Tony Manero (2008)

A movie about a dude who is obsessed with the title character from Saturday Night Fever? Is this a documentary about 4th-grade me? If it didn't take place in Chile, I would sue director Pablo Larrain and make him buy the rights for this story.

I really didn't know much about this movie except it was about a person who loves Saturday Night Fever. It turns out that the film was much darker than I expected. It actually had very sordid and disturbing subject matter. The protagonist is psychotic, violent, misogynistic, and downright scary. He kills someone because they stopped showing SNF at the movie theater and played Grease instead. Damn. Grease is an okay movie, bro!

3/5 pizzas

In the Loop (2009)

Ahem, James Gandolfini is in a movie playing someone named General Miller (High Life). That is enough of a draw for me. It turns out this political satire is pretty dern funny, even though the C word is used way too much [that is to say, more than zero times]. I was laughing a lot during this movie in a theater with 4 other people who did not seem to really think it was funny.

Also, it turns out that the only place from which I know Mimi Kennedy [who did a great job as a bungling senator] is from Dharma and Greg. I hate myself.

4/5 pizzas

Woodstock (1970)

Goddamn! Of course I watched the director's cut of this extremely long movie, bringing the run time to a total of 228 minutes. Guess what? Most of this movie is boring. But being a person who likes at least 10% of the bands at Woodstock, is interested in hippie rock festivals, and enjoys groundbreaking documentaries, I watched the movie anyway. It turns out that the only fun acts to play at Woodstock were Sha Na Na and Sly and the Family Stone. All the others were way to heavy, man. And I still don't like Janis Joplin.

It's not one of those movies that follows the clause that if one doesn't like the bands, one won't like the movie. This isn't the Last Waltz. The best parts of Woodstock is the interviews with the fans, the crazies that were tripped out. It was really neat to watch the planners and hear what they all had to say. It's cool to remember that the festival cost millions of dollars to put on and didn't bring back any money. Nice. And the best line of the movie is an early announcement to the crowd: "Don't eat the brown acid." I guess it was bad or something.

What this movie mad me realize was that it's okay to have OCD. I will never use a Porta Potty, roll around in mud, share joints with 500,000 strangers, or bring my baby to a three-day festival. I also figured out that if I did go to Woodstock, the experience + the acid sure as hell would've cured my OCD.

3/5 pizzas

Whisper of the Heart (1995)

This movie is about libraries, ladies, fat cats, library book mysteries, and sustainability. These are all things I look for in a movie, minus a character that wears overalls. Anyway, this was highly recommended by one friend and strongly disliked by another. I lie in between. Yes, while some of the movie is slow, and this is only written by Miyazaki, it is still worth watching. One of the first lines in the movie is the mom asking her daughter Shizuku if she really needed a plastic bag to carry home the milk. Awesome!

3/5 pizzas

Smithereens (1982)

Uh yes hello? Why didn't anyone tell me about this movie until this summer? Susan Seidelman [a lady, of Desperately Seeking Susan and one directing credit on Sex and the City fame] made this pretty okay movie about punk rock and New York. NEW YORK PUNK IS MY FAVORITE! I didn't even know Richard Hell acted, and he's all up in this movie being a jerk. Also, I watched the extras and saw an interview of his. He didn't age well. I guess he's now part of the Blank Wrinkled Generation.

Also, it seems that Susan Seidelman created Molly Ringwald, because Susan Berman looks just like Molly in this movie, and Molly wasn't in a big movie until 1984. Your welcome, John Hughes.Also, it seems that Susan Seidelman created Molly Ringwald, because Susan Berman looks just like Molly in this movie, and Molly wasn't in a big movie until 1984. Your welcome, John Hughes.

This movie is pretty fun, even though none of the characters have redeeming qualities. The protagonist Wren is really entitled and annoying, but she wears cute Chucks and dresses to make up for it. The deal is that she has left blue-collar New Jersey to move to New York to be a punk star. Sound familiar? Probably not, so click on the below image.

Another nice thing -- the actual band the Smithereens are from New Jersey. Oh hey!

4/5 pizzas

Inglourious Basterds (2009)

Another Quentin Tarrantino movie?! Although he's not my favorite, why wouldn't I see this movie? It's got an all-star cast, Nazis, and France. The flick was fun for most of the time, but I would not go farther than saying that I moderately liked it. Many factors influenced my decision, including the venue in which we watched the flick. The joint is named "The Big Picture" and is a Seattle gem [I say this like I've not lived here for only 3 weeks]. The place is a really cool space in the basement of a fancy hotel; it looks like a gourmet restaurant; one is greeted by a hostess in a cocktail dress; one has to be 21 to enter; one can order cocktails or popcorn in glass buckets. The place spells Class with a capital C, people. I was feeling good until all the bjs in the audience kept getting up to get the classy popcorn and cocktails throughout the movie. People kept bringing in said foodstuffs and disrupting everything. At least other theaters that adhere to the same food-serving practices have engineered their theaters to make that service effective and unobtrusive.

Another major problem with this blowjob audience was that they laughed at all the wrong parts. Neither slicing people's foreheads open nor strangling ladies make me want to laugh. Extreme violence [which is not cartoon-like in this QT movie] is not really funny. It's serious, tense, maybe scary, disturbing. Shut up, audience! Stop knocking over your glass drinkware. You are so dumb.

Now, to discuss the actual movie. Carmel gave a very apt analysis of Inglourious Basterds by concluding that Quentin Tarrantino got the idea for the movie while watching the Oscars this year. "Hmm, WWII/Holocaust movies win big every year. Brad Pitt was in Benjamin Button, and that got a lot of nominations. How can I combine the two?" Right?

At least I liked some of the cast. Melanie Laurent, who I liked in another French movie with an impossible title, was slammin. So was the main Nazi, who had just the right amount of snarkiness and terror to be a good nazi. Also, I'd like to point out that another Nazi was named Zoller. Hmm. The best thing about this movie was that film itself was the hero! Boom, you're roasted, Nazis.

[Didn't the fire remind you of the ending, ever-so-terrifying scene in Raiders of the Lost Arc? I guess QT (who is not a cutie) watched that too.]

3/5 pizzas

Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)

For those of you who know me at all, you will maybe remember that Austin Powers:IMM is one of my all-time favorite movies. Eh, there's only 5 readers, and we're all close, so you definitely know that I love this movie. Austin Powers in my Spaceballs.

I don't think I have to defend myself here, but I'll do so anyway, because some of you are naysayers. Haters to the left, please. THIS MOVIE IS AWESOME!

Here's why:
1. Mike Myers pulls a Dick Van Dyke and plays multiple roles. Dr. Evil is one of the finest villains of our time. You may be thinking "Riiiiiiiiiiiiight," but he is.
2. Spoofs are often fun, and I'm totally into that British psychedelia.
3. Seth Green and Carrie Fisher share a scene together.
4. Mike Myers makes a hilarious-yet-offensive joke about a woman actually being a man. Transphobic, but funny, baby.
5. Did you listen to the soundtrack? Strawberry Alarm Clock + The Divinyls + Mike Myers/Ming Tea singing "BBC."

Okay okay, so maybe the movie exploits women's bodies a little bit, but its British, and sometimes international jokes don't translate well.

5/5 pizzas

District 9 (2009)

I know everyone loves this movie, but Carmel Curtis [of the Brattle] and I lean towards not liking it. At best, it's just an average movie with substantial political commentary. I even started off liking District 9, since its documentary style was reminiscent of The Office, just plus aliens. For the most part, however, I thought the plot was a little ridiculous and melodramatic. There were a couple of points in the film when I was really excited -- when Wikus teams up with the aliens, when they try to break into the government building, stuff like that.

Despite its commitment to illustrating apartheid and racial tensions via human and alien relations, District 9 was a really racist movie. What a coincidence that the black people in the movie [the Nigerians] just happened to be wearing leopard print clothing, did tribal dancing, were into voodoo, and liked to eat aliens. They were just so animalistic! Ugh, gross, District 9. How could you do this?

2/5

Cache (2005)

Tied with Funny Games as my favorite Michael Haneke movie, Cache is a solid movie that makes you rethink your childhood to make sure you weren't too mean to any kids so as you are not haunted by it later. This is movie is really suspenseful, people. I totally eat up French movies, as you may know, but I will devour anything that involves videos, voyeurism, and scary crayon drawings. I will continue this metaphor of consumption and say that I will gorge myself on any movie with all of this good thematic stuff + Juliette Binoche. I think this is one of her best roles as the wife of Daniel Auteuil [the only French actor along with Audrey Tautou.]

Maybe the real reason I like this movie so much isn't the suspense, the thrill, the psychological torture --- but maybe the impressive bookshelf collection that the protagonists have.

5/5 pizzas

Hannah and her Sisters (1986)

This is my favorite Woody Allen movie after Annie Hall. Not only does it take place in New York, but it features one of my favorite actors [Dianne Wiest]. I would also argue that this is Michael Caine's second-best movie after Muppet Christmas Carol.

I also concluded that Woody Allen's character Mickey Sachs is my favorite role that he plays. I totally can identify with a hypochondriac who only feels better when he watches Duck Soup.

5/5 pizzas