14 December 2009

The Final Stretch

As we are in our last month of the year, those of us who are crazies are approaching the end of our fiscal movie-watching year. What does this mean? Some of us had originally endeavored to reach 365 [piece of cake], and now the over-achievers are trying to reach 500. In order to do so, I need to watch over 50 movies in 16 days. No problem. As part of this rigorous program, I am also trying to squeeze in all the modern classics that I missed out on.

What I'm actually trying to say is that I probably need to blerg less as to watch more movies. What I'll be doing is only writing in depth about the most noteworthy movies [like The Room and Robocop].

Here are some movies I have watched:

Death Proof (2007): Full of patriarchy, yet Zoe Bell is the best thing about this movie and all movies. 3/5

Breaking the Waves (1996): Lars Von Trier is an okay director when he is not documenting torture porn and patriarchy. Emily Watson is spectacular in her first movie. 3/5

Precious (2009): A movie with black people? That'll never get popular. This movie was very upsetting and definitely worth watching. Mariah Carey is in it too! 4/5

Labyrinth (1986): I finally watched the most important movie from 1986. Jennifer Connelly + the plot ruined it, but Mr. Bowie saved it. He reminds me of a babe! 3/5

Muppet Christmas Carol (1992): Everyone's favorite rendition of the Dickens classic, Muppet Christmas Carol is also Michael Caine's second best movie! 5/5

Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol (1962): Everyone's second favorite rendition of the Dickens classic, starring a Millionaire. 4/5

Popeye (1980): The character of Olive Oyl was created for Shelley Duvall. Fact. 3/5

The Shining (1980): Another Shelley Duvall classic, this was my first viewing of this movie. I loved it because it was great. 5/5

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1998): This movie is so over-rated. It gave me a thousand strokes when I watched it. It's so abrasive, and not just because it's supposed to be. 2/5

Dream a Little Dream (1989): A Corey + Corey classic! That is, Corey(Haime + Feldman). 2/5

The 'burbs (1989): I have never really seen Tom Hanks in 80s-tastic movies with big dogs, so I figured I'd watch this. It's just okay. 2/5

The Rocky Horror Picture Show
(1975): This is probably the biggest movie I have never seen. Who knew it was so sexual? I was shocked! Shocked! Even though it was a musical, I didn't hate it. Plus, Susan Sarandon in her undies! And Tim Curry in ladies' undies? Excellent. 3/5

Blues Brothers (1980): This movie put Chicago on the map as a major city. Also, it's jam-packed with guest stars! 4/5

(1984): Possibly the worst movie I've ever seen, Splash tells the patriarchal and paternalistic love story of Tom Hanks and Daryl Hannah [a mermaid]. She learns to be human by giving her body to Tom Hanks and getting a Bloomingdale's charge card. Great! 1/5

Down and Out in Beverly Hills
(1986): This movie is just okay, but I still think Bette Midler isn't the worst actor in the world! 2/5 pizzas

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964): This was my first MST3K movie, and it was pretty fun. Santa and space? That's kind of cool. 3/5

Up in the Air (2009): I pretty much hated this movie, and I'm not sure why a lot of my friends didn't. The message is all "People who don't want to get married don't have a soul. Eventually they will be worn down when they find true love." Oh also, let's squeeze in some poignant moments about the tough economy. Do not like! 1/5

Heaven Can Wait (1943): An Ernest Lubitsch movie with Gene Tierney that was just okay. 2/5

Fantastic Mr. Fox (2009): Not one of my favorite Wes Anderson's, but still gorgeous and really fun. Also, it stars the hottest couple in town. 4/5

The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993): Believe it or not, this was my first viewing of this movie. This movie is all "Halloween! Halloween! Christmas! Christmas! Halloween Halloween!" 2/5

Die Hard (1988): Obviously the best Christmas and Action movie ever, featuring the best Christmas song. 5/5

My Best Friend's Wedding (1997): More like my WORST friend's wedding! I only watched this as part of my modern classics series. By the way, this movie blows. 2/5

Saving Private Ryan (1998): More like Saving Ryan's Private! This was my first viewing of this, and besides being a tad long, I thought it was really powerful and upsetting. 4/5

The Lonely Guy (1984): Probably the saddest movie I've ever seen! These guys are so sad and lonely, especially Charles Grodin. 4/5

Shanghai Surprise
(1986): I saw this as part of a series illustrating Madonna's terrible acting skills. In fact, her acting is garbage. And so is Sean Penn's. Not only is this movie terrible, it's racist! Good fun. 3/5

Coyote Ugly (2000): This movie is garbage too! 2/5

Hold That Ghost (1941): My favorite Abbott and Costello movie that no one else seems to like that much. Maybe they are not that funny? Nah. They're the best. 4/5

The Royal Tenenbaums
(2001): Probably the best movie of all time, and! it's a Wes Anderson movie with a Black Person! 5/5

Old School (2003): Luke Wilson takes a way lamer role than the last movie I saw him in. Do not like. 2/5

Lethal Weapon (1987): It still surprises me that they let Mel Gibson be in a movie with a black person [you too, right?]. This movie is still the bomb, Danny Glover is super rad, and Darlene Love is an excellent addition. Something I really love about the plot is that the team doesn't care about how many people they kill on their mission. Boom. 5/5

The Blob (1958): Having being obsessed with Steve McQueen in The Great Escape, I finally got a chance to watch another of his movies. The Blob is real fun and real cheesy. Great job! 4/5

Annie (1982): Barf! 2/5

OSS 117 2: Lost in Rio (2009): A bangin sequel to a bangin movie. Jean DuJardin is French Austin Powers meets Don Draper. These movies are the best! 4/5

Stand By Me (1986): Last month, I had not seen Corey Feldman in any movies. After this week, I will have seen all of his famous ones. This movie was just okay. Obviously, its plot and acting are a bit weak, and they say the P word way too much. I guess the soundtrack is nice and it's kind of fun. 2/5

Synecadoosh, NY (2008): I love this movie for many reasons: It stars my boyfriend Phillip Seymour Hoffman, my girlfriend Samantha Morton, and my grandma Dianne Wiest. Another reason I love it is because after viewing it 3 times, I still don't know how I feel about the movie. 4/5

Muppet Family Christmas
(1987): As a child, this was the Citizen Kane of Christmas movies. Here's why: Not only do we get to celebrate Xmas with ALL of the muppets on Fozzie's mom's farm, but the Sesame St. cast and the Fraggle Rock cast also show up for some hangouts! 5/5

Flirting With Disaster (1996): Despite having a star-studded cast of Ben Stiller, Patricia Arquette, Alan Alda, Lily Tomlin, Tea Leoni, and topless Mary Tyler Moore, this movie was pretty lame. 3/5

The Goonies (1985): First-time viewing, last-time viewing. 2/5

Fantasia (1940): Dinosaurs! Centaurs! Composers! 4/5

Dead Poets Society (1989): I'll watch anything once in which Robin Williams recites Walt Whitman. 3/5

Animal House
(1978): I finally watched this! Frat humor is not my favorite, nor is making jokes about molestation. Oh well. At least it had some Motown. 2/5

Billy Madison (1995): Completely lame, except for the appearance of Norm MacDonald. Adam Sandler is so annoying! 2/5

(2005): I love hostage movies to begin with, but this is truly intense. Even though Bruce Willis is old (right?), he still kicks ass and works to resolve a double hostage situation [basically single-handedly]. You're probably thinking this sounds a little like Die Hard, but I ask you, Does Die Hard star Willis's awkwardly tweenish daughter Rumer? I think not! 5/5

40 down, 54 to go.


  1. You are wrong about like a million things here, but you are SO RIGHT about Norm MacDonald being the best part of Billy Madison.

  2. daaang i'm impressed with your fortitude even though i disagree with some of your points.

    also if you want a really good mst3k episode, try Space Mutiny. It's definitely one of my favorites, and I'm kind of an expert on that show.

  3. YOU FORGOT THAT ROBERT KNEPPER IS IN "HOSTAGE," AND THAT PEOPLE SHOULD ALWAYS MENTION WHEN ROBERT KNEPPER IS ON SCREEN OR NEAR THEM. also you were way too easy on Nightmare Before Christmas, too hard on Up in the air, and too easy on Fantastic Mr. Fox.

  4. Miles. Shuttup.

    Shanghai Surprise gets a 3 outta 5?? Really? I thought it was awful!

    You were way too hard on Precious. And I thought you loved Splash!

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