The Orphanage (2007)

Here is a movie that I have never heard of, and that I thought was directed by Guillermo Del Toro. Fact: It was not directed by him, but by a dude named Juan Antonio Bayona. I liked this movie just okay and didn't really think it was that sad, contrary to popular belief. The deal is that this movie is of the science fiction drama. A lady loses her son who maybe has imaginary friends. Weird supernatural things happen, and also HIV/AIDS is important to the plot. Oh yeah, the lady's house was an old orphanage, and it's probably haunted by the trauma of past orphans. I guess watch this movie if you want. The protagonist is a pretty awesome lady [Belen Rueda], and she's easy on the eyes [not to be patriarchal or anything].

3/5 pizzas

28 Days Later (2002)

Finally, I am watching some actual zombie movies! As part of our Halloween movie marathon, we watched this fine piece of British cinema. Even though Danny Boyle directed it, I really liked it. As you may imagine, I spend a fair amount of time thinking about the zombie apocalypse with my peers. The frequent consensus is that all of us would be too fat to run, and thus we would die or become zombies. I'm fine with that, because nothing is worth running to exhaustion, right? Plus, Carmel makes a good point that maybe it would be okay to be a zombie. 1. One would not know one was a zombie, and if one did, what would the big deal be? 2. Who wouldn't want to run around and eat all day? Eating is so fun.

4/5 pizzas

The Descent (2005)

I finally watched this! Talk about excitement: an all-lady cast [except for that one glimpse of a dude], getting lost in caves, fighting Problems that exist down in the caves, and sometimes having British accents! The deal is these ladies are Adventurers and would rather explore unexplored caves than go shopping like normal women. Weird, right? Anyway, things go awry, maybe they get lost, and maybe they are being hunted by The Darkness. In any case, I've never seen a bunch of badasses like these laydees. And by the way, this was pretty scary.

4/5 pizzas

The Amityville Horror (1979)

Hey Lois Lane! I guess your actual name is Margot Kidder, and I guess you made other movies besides Superman. Recommended by a horror connoisseur, Amityville Horror is not all that scary of a movie. No, I didn't watch it at night or by myself, but it still wasn't that scary. The deal is that a house is maybe haunted and a nice family featuring Barbra Streisand's husband lives there. A priest tries to help them, but the forces of evil are at work. Moral of the story: Don't move into a house if it is too cheap and never go into a basement.

2/5 pizzas

Ed Wood (1994)

Isn't it time I saw this movie? I know Tim Burton has only made one other good movie [also about an Ed], but geez I should've gotten to this earlier. This one was pretty swell. Having only seen Plan 9 From Outer Space, I was not familiar with Edward D. Wood, Jr., so this movie was edumacational. 5 points. Next, it featured a SATC cast member. 5 points. It's a movie about movies, so 5 more points, and it features tales about other actors too [Bela Lugosi, people]. 5 points. Now add Johnny Depp looking like a babe, a narrative that maybe briefly addresses gender in a non-horrible way, and low-budget horror flicks and you got yourself a movie that has racked up a 1000 points. Okay, 4/5 pizzas. But seriously, this was pretty fun.

4/5 pizzas

Carnival of Souls (1962)

I guess this is one of those cult horror classics that was made for $20. With an organ-filled soundtrack, Carnival of Souls tells the story of a lady who is accused of having hallucinations and hysteria [of course]. She is an organist for a church, but doesn't believe in god. She is probably a demon! Once when she was making out with a dude, he turned into an even uglier dude. Scary!

The acting is terrible, the plot is terrible, the suspense is terrible. This movie was pretty fun!

3/5 pizzas

Them (1954)

This movie is incredibly boring for being a story about giant ants that attack a desert town. Only during a couple of scenes do we see actual ants eating people or getting burnt to a crisp. Most of the time, Edmund Gwenn and a team of investigators just ask people questions about the ants.

"Did you see anything strange?"
"Yes, officer, I saw a print. An ant print."
"Why don't you show me this ant print, son."
"Golly, officer, we have to waste at least 10 more minutes in this scene before I can show you the marking, so why don't you ask me some other questions about what the footprint looked like."

2/5 pizzas

I Walked With a Zombie (1943)

Because it was recommended by a pal, I watched I Walked With a Zombie sooner rather than later. I then remembered that maybe I wasn't really supposed to waste my time with it after the first 10 minutes. It's no big loss, though, because this movie was only 70 minutes. It's one of those Val Lewton horror B-movies, except its kitsch factor was minimal and was completely and totally eclipsed by the film's racism and boring plot. One lady is maybe a zombie and her nurse [the protagonist and narrator] goes to a St. Sebastian island in the Caribbean to take care of her. When the nurse arrives, she comments to her cab driver [who is black] that "Wasn't it nice that those white men brought those black people to this beautiful island?" Problems. I probably don't even have to mention the issues presented by the topics of Voodoo and tribal dancing in this movie. It's even worse than King Kong in that respect.

Also, it turns out the Tom Conway in the movie is not the Conaway I was thinking of.

1/5 pizzas

The Ring (2002)

Oh my god, this movie is so good. Instead of looking for job this morning I watched The Ring [in Japanese that's Ringu]. Naomi Watts is a slammin investigator in this. Great job. The plot had me guessing and the music was gorgeous. Very scary and well-done. I also learned a lot about video tape editing, so I can add it to my resume.

5/5 pizzas