The Descent (2005)

I finally watched this! Talk about excitement: an all-lady cast [except for that one glimpse of a dude], getting lost in caves, fighting Problems that exist down in the caves, and sometimes having British accents! The deal is these ladies are Adventurers and would rather explore unexplored caves than go shopping like normal women. Weird, right? Anyway, things go awry, maybe they get lost, and maybe they are being hunted by The Darkness. In any case, I've never seen a bunch of badasses like these laydees. And by the way, this was pretty scary.

4/5 pizzas

The Furies (1950)

Look at this broad. Isn't she great? I was glad to see my lady friend in this film because I claim to love her, but maybe I've only seen about five of her movies. Well, this one is a western, and as you can tell, she dresses like a cowboy -- wearing pants a lot, not riding side saddle, etc. The main plot is that she lives on a ranch called "The Furies." Her father is a big deal wealthy man who owns everything in sight. Also, maybe he wants to do it with his daughter. Ick! Too bad, papa, because she is busy doing it with everyone else. Moral of this movie: Barbara Stanwyck wants what she wants [in her words] and fucks it [my words].

I'm not a huge fan of this movie, but it definitely picks up in the second half when shit goes down between Barbara and Judith Anderson. I guess my biggest complaint with this flick is that its title - THE FURIES! - is spoken by the characters about 10,000 times within the first 45 minutes. This is off-putting for some reason. I mean, on The Wire they only say the word "wire" like five times.

3/5 pizzas

I'm No Angel (1933)

To indulge in a lame rhyme, Mae West is the best. This was my first of her movies and she's like obviously one of the coolest ladies of the 1930s. Not only did she star in this, but she wrote both the story and the screenplay. Super rad! Playing a character that I assume she plays in most of her roles, Mae is a woman who wants what she wants and fucks it. Sorry for the expletive, Mom. As the movie progresses, what she wants is Cary Grant. They got mad sexual chemistry, people. It's pretty fun to watch. In addition to Mae being sex positive, she is smart as a whip and a witticism-producing machine. One of the movie's best is "Honey, when I'm good, I'm good. But when I'm bad, I'm better." Oh, did I mention this was pre-Code?

3/5 pizzas

Whip It (2009)

"I've wanted to know, once again, what love is. I wanted Drew Barrymore to show me. She did."

---An esteemed professor at a university

Thank you for saying that, dude. That's kind of how I feel. This movie taught me how to love. Like, you know, true love. True love! Okay, I need to chill.

Let's start again. I do believe that this is my favorite movie of 2009. Although Thirst and Moon were fabulous, I enjoyed watching Whip It way more. I think I was beaming the whole time in the second row of the theater. Why, you ask? Well, because this movie was about: 1. A bunch of lady protagonists being empowered, 2. Feminisms, 3. Excellent excellent combat roller derby, 4. Rock and roll, 5. Alia Shawkat.

Need I say more? I know, I was worried about Drew Barrymore making a movie too. I thought maybe it'd just be about a hare krishna monk daydreaming about butterflies and incense, but she actually did a great job. Save some small anti-feminist plot flaws and absence of lesbianism in a clearly queer arena, this movie was absolutely fabulous. Exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And always remember: When a problem comes along, you can [go see] Whip It.

5/5 pizzas

Men In Black (1997)

Okay, this movie is way high brow. See that phallic symbol Tommy is holding? That's an erase memory stick. This movie addresses the issue of memory in a very subtle way, just like Proust and Michel Gondry. That's way existential. Additionally, this movie takes some very strong, bleeding-heart stands on political issues.

1. In the first scene, Tommy Lee Jones speaks out against xenophobia and allows "illegal aliens" from Mexico to enter the US. Immigrants rights, y'all!

2. When Vincent D'Onofrio yells at his wife for not making him a steak for dinner or preparing his cigars and dressing gown, he gets zapped and turned into an alien zombie. Feminisms!

3. Will Smith gets hired to be a Man in "Black" over all those over-qualified West Point grads and the other white fellas in the room. And not just because he's black, but because he's awesome. Anti-classism/privilege and pro-affirmative action and anti-racism!

Thank you MIB for addressing all these high brow/profound issues. I'm sorry you weren't a better movie.

2/5 pizzas