Big Trouble in Little China (1986)

It's another marvelous collaboration of the Dream Team: Kurt Russell and John Carpenter! Maybe you remember a couple of their other movies that take place in major cities? Well this one takes place in San Francisco, or Chinatown. As many racist action movies of its ilk, Big Trouble has a ridiculous plot: The guy on the right is bringing his soon-to-be bride on the right to America. She is kidnapped by the evil Lo Pan and his crew, so Jack [the man in the un-sexy tank top] goes to save her. Kim Cattrall is along for the ride; she's just some do-gooder.

They go into some underground lair to battle Eastern mysticism. I guess they're too busy doing that too smash racism. There is some kick-ass kung fu, though.

3/5 pizzas

Birth of a Nation (1915)

Why did I watch this? It's 4 hours, it's incredibly racist and problematic, and the majority of the story is boring. I suppose it's way famous and maybe seeing at least one Griffith movie is required of me. One thing is true: You'll never get me to watch Intolerance, D.W. Never.

1/5 pizzas

District 9 (2009)

I know everyone loves this movie, but Carmel Curtis [of the Brattle] and I lean towards not liking it. At best, it's just an average movie with substantial political commentary. I even started off liking District 9, since its documentary style was reminiscent of The Office, just plus aliens. For the most part, however, I thought the plot was a little ridiculous and melodramatic. There were a couple of points in the film when I was really excited -- when Wikus teams up with the aliens, when they try to break into the government building, stuff like that.

Despite its commitment to illustrating apartheid and racial tensions via human and alien relations, District 9 was a really racist movie. What a coincidence that the black people in the movie [the Nigerians] just happened to be wearing leopard print clothing, did tribal dancing, were into voodoo, and liked to eat aliens. They were just so animalistic! Ugh, gross, District 9. How could you do this?

2/5

Jackie Brown (1997)

It took me a long time to see this movie, as I was a little preoccupied in 1997. I remember when my parents went to go see it though, and I was all "Who is that very ugly man who keeps making all these with guns and the N word?"

Come to think of it, Robert De Niro is lookin pretty gross in this movie too:

Yikes! You know who is actually looking great for a middle-aged person in this movie? Pam Grier. That's right. She is such a fox, and I'm going to go ahead and guess that this is her best role ever. Despite all the problems with racism and patriarchy in this movie, it's good to know that Jackie Brown is a really smart hero. A dollop of feminism is nice in a movie that broke the mold with the usage of the N word. Great job, Tarantino.

Plot-wise, this movie is pretty exciting. You know, is has shootings, car chases, malls, soul music, sexual intercourse, smuggling, disgusting facial hair, and a 3rd-generation Fonda.

I must reiterate that Jackie Brown is a foxy mastermind. I'm sorry that some people who do impeccable Quentin Tarantino impersonations don't really like this movie.

4/5 pizzas

I Walked With a Zombie (1943)

Because it was recommended by a pal, I watched I Walked With a Zombie sooner rather than later. I then remembered that maybe I wasn't really supposed to waste my time with it after the first 10 minutes. It's no big loss, though, because this movie was only 70 minutes. It's one of those Val Lewton horror B-movies, except its kitsch factor was minimal and was completely and totally eclipsed by the film's racism and boring plot. One lady is maybe a zombie and her nurse [the protagonist and narrator] goes to a St. Sebastian island in the Caribbean to take care of her. When the nurse arrives, she comments to her cab driver [who is black] that "Wasn't it nice that those white men brought those black people to this beautiful island?" Problems. I probably don't even have to mention the issues presented by the topics of Voodoo and tribal dancing in this movie. It's even worse than King Kong in that respect.

Also, it turns out the Tom Conway in the movie is not the Conaway I was thinking of.

1/5 pizzas

West Side Story (1961)

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORED. This is the Lawrence of Arabia of musicals [it's 152 minutes] and the A Night at the Opera of the 60s [because you need to fast forward all the singing]. Oh, and the film does a great job of representing latin@s very acccurately. I mean, I'm glad Mr. Sondheim, Mr. Robbins, and Mr. Wise employed an all-white cast that practiced their "accents" real hard. Great job. NOT.

1/5 pizzas