Funny Ha Ha (2002)

I hate this movie because it thinks its so cool inventing its own genre and using 16mm film and all. Barf. For those of you who have not seen this movie, don't. Yes, I know you'll protest and say "It's important." And I'll say "It's important for you not to watch another movie with an all white cast.

I guess the worst thing about this movie is that it is about boring folks who do lame things -- like hang out and work in temp agencies and never say anything non-trite and usually wear all-beige ensembles. Sooooooooooo boring, right? Besides taking place in Boston [a place I used to know], the only okay thing about this movie is that its protagonist is a lady.

Try harder, mumblecore. And I don't mean with movies like Mutual Appreciation.

2/5 pizzas

The Brown Bunny (2003)

See that billboard? Yah, that's a real live billboard featuring a real live BJ. It's okay, though. I bet Chloe Sevigny came to Vincent Gallo and was all "Hey, I would really like to go down on you. Let's film it."

NOT. I'm convinced that Vincent Gallo made this movie just so he could A. Display his large penis on screen and B. Prove that he could film a non-simulated blow job. The actual sex scene was very unsettling -- not because it's difficult to watch oral sex performed on Vincent Gallo [that's fine, whatever]. It's the weird power trip Gallo goes on in the scene. He importunes Chloe to proclaim, over and over, how much she wants his big D and how hot she is for him and how he is so great etc. etc. Gross.

The rest of the movie is quite silent and just films Gallo motorcycling across the country. Brown Bunny is the gross/extra-misogynistic/sexualized/boring Easy Rider, minus the rock and roll.

1/5 pizzas

Son of Rambow (2007)

Cute! For a person who really doesn't care for Rambo: First Blood [or at least the excerpt I could bear to watch], I pretty much liked this flick. It's basically an omage to Rambo, except starring better actors who are 20 years younger who never even heard of Vietnam. They're British blokes, too. My biggest complaint for this movie is plot related: How could two children of limited means get their hands on such a snazzy video camera?

I wish I had a British childhood where I was allowed to go outside by myself, or at least one where I had a best pal to make remakes of my favorite movies with. Instead of Sly movies, I would do the Great Escape [a picture that is actually good]. I guess I could've just done that in the dingy part of my basement by myself, playing Steve McQueen + Charles Bronson. I mean, Mike Myers plays all the roles himself . . .

4/5 pizzas

Night and Fog (1955)

Man, what a not fun movie to watch right before you go to sleep. I maybe didn't know what this movie was about, only that it was directed by Alain Resnais -- a dude who directed another movie I like. Anyway, I found out this was maybe the first Holocaust documentary made. It's only 30 minutes, but it's incredibly powerful and disturbing. Although he does show a bit of film footage, Resnais mostly uses stills and narration to reveal the horrors of concentration camps.

Very disturbing, very worth watching, very insomnia-causing.

4/5 pizzas

Carnival of Souls (1962)

I guess this is one of those cult horror classics that was made for $20. With an organ-filled soundtrack, Carnival of Souls tells the story of a lady who is accused of having hallucinations and hysteria [of course]. She is an organist for a church, but doesn't believe in god. She is probably a demon! Once when she was making out with a dude, he turned into an even uglier dude. Scary!

The acting is terrible, the plot is terrible, the suspense is terrible. This movie was pretty fun!

3/5 pizzas

Good Dick (2008)

Here is a movie I never heard of until yesterday. After hearing the title, I figured it was one of those dumb movies that most people like. It is maybe an independent movie, based on the illustrated credit sequence and David Lynch-esque horrifying soundtrack of beeps and boops. Anyway, it sounded REALLY good. The premise is that one eccentric lady is agoraphobic [maybe?] and never leaves her house unless she goes to get a big gulp or hits up the movie store. [This should be sounding very familiar, reader]. A dude [John Ritter's son] falls in love with her [barf] because he loves movies and he works at the video store. Sounds okay, right? Barf. This movie is neither endearing nor romantic. The dude basically stalks the lady, forces himself into her apartment and gradually into her bed, and, of course, teaches her how to love by harassing her into it. Great.

Oh, and by the way, the movies aren't just movies. They're pornos. Not even good ones. The only good thing about this movie was that Martin Starr had a beard. That's hot!
2/5 pizzas

The Basketball Diaries (1995)

In 1997, I made a vow to see all of Leonardo DiCaprio's movies. Over the years, however, I forgot about my quest and made seeing his body of work [besides Titanic] less of a priority. Anyway, I forgot that The Basketball Diaries existed until today when my pal recommended we watch it. The flick is about Jim Carroll -- a dude who went to Catholic high school, was pretty okay at basketball, and got into drugs and then his life went to pot. Then he started a punk band. Leo does an okay job of portraying him, but it's really hard to see him foaming at the mouth from heroin withdrawal. Oh, by the way, Leo is BFFAEFL with Mark Wahlberg in this. Hot!

The best thing about this movie is that it features a shot of Carmel's apartment building in the Bronx! [It's the brown one on the right]. She and Leo breathed the same air. Sigh!

2/5 pizzas

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)

Does not like! This movie was too silly for me, even though it tangentially deals with second-wave feminism.

I do have to say that this scene was pretty pretty adorable:
And ahem ahem it looks like Ron Burgundy and I have 100% correlation on beer choices:
2/5 pizzas

The Sound of Music (1965)

Oh hey! Isn't time I blogged about my second-favorite musical that I quote daily?! People, here it is. I obnoxiously sang along to every song with Sade. Every song! There's not much to say here except a trip to Salzburg and a Sound of Music tour seem in order.

5/5 pizzas

Sleepless in Seattle (1993)

Another Saturday night watching a Meg Ryan movie! Nah, just kidding. That's not my life yet. I do live in Seattle, though. And I did actually watch this on a Saturday night -- not alone, like a loser, but with Carmel. She's completely obsessed with this movie and forgot how about 75% of it is barfarific.

What I do like is that this movie is directed by a lady. Unfortunately, it does not take a feminist approach to romance or relationships. Additionally, its climax is inspired by An Affair to Remember -- a mediocre yet totally tragic Cary Grant movie.

Some things I didn't like: Tom Hanks' doofy facial contortions; Meg Ryan's frumpy dungaree and khakis ensembles; my current haircut is slightly similar to Rosie O'Donnell's 1993 haircut. That's not hot!

3/5 pizzas