Viva Las Vegas! (1964)

For a person who has a billion problems with Elvis and who also really doesn't love his music, I have an irrational love for Elvis movies. You know, Paradise Hawaiian Style, Blue Hawaii, and of course, Viva Las Vegas! I hadn't seen this in years and it was really nice to rewatch it. Okay, I don't have enough space to address the patriarchy that imbues this movie. Obviously Elvis movies = heteronormativity, exploitation, objectification, racism, etc. These are problems. What I do want to talk about is the great songs in this movie. I guess this is a musical, and I guess you can add it to my list of two. Besides the theme song, it features many a great duet with Ann Maragret.

I'd like to point something out: You know how lots of people JUST wear leggings and a shirt and think that's okay? As if leggings are just pants? Guess what, they are not! Pants are pants, leggings are tights, people. This was a huge problem at my university, and I blame it one Ann Maraget. See below:

3/5 pizzas

Zombieland (2009)

Much of this post will be similar to those of other interneters, especially to the ones written by folks with whom I saw the movie. As pretty much a zombie novice, I went into the theater gung ho to enjoy watching the consumption of human flesh. I was also excited to maybe see a zombie movie spoof. There are better parodies, people. We all know what they are. Unfortunately, I am biased against Woody Harrelson; I just don't like him. I was okay with Jesse Eisenberg's character, but I do think that he would be more of a believable recluse if he were a tad chunkier.

Things I liked include: celebrity guest appearances, a cowboy/girl motif, the usage of lists, and a major shout out to the brilliance of Titanic (1997) from Mr. Harrelson. Too bad these enjoyable aspects could not trump multiple occurrences of patriarchy and a mediocre plot.

Sorry, Zombieland and sorry, Jesse. I'll await your next film -- maybe it will be Tomorrowland or Frontierland.

3/5 pizzas

The Brown Bunny (2003)

See that billboard? Yah, that's a real live billboard featuring a real live BJ. It's okay, though. I bet Chloe Sevigny came to Vincent Gallo and was all "Hey, I would really like to go down on you. Let's film it."

NOT. I'm convinced that Vincent Gallo made this movie just so he could A. Display his large penis on screen and B. Prove that he could film a non-simulated blow job. The actual sex scene was very unsettling -- not because it's difficult to watch oral sex performed on Vincent Gallo [that's fine, whatever]. It's the weird power trip Gallo goes on in the scene. He importunes Chloe to proclaim, over and over, how much she wants his big D and how hot she is for him and how he is so great etc. etc. Gross.

The rest of the movie is quite silent and just films Gallo motorcycling across the country. Brown Bunny is the gross/extra-misogynistic/sexualized/boring Easy Rider, minus the rock and roll.

1/5 pizzas

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)

Does not like! This movie was too silly for me, even though it tangentially deals with second-wave feminism.

I do have to say that this scene was pretty pretty adorable:
And ahem ahem it looks like Ron Burgundy and I have 100% correlation on beer choices:
2/5 pizzas

Supervixens (1975)

Having seen only one other Russ Meyer movie [Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!], I kind of wanted to see others, since I like watching movies and since 90% of movies from the 1970s are some kind of 'sploitation movies. That is an actual statistic.

As far as I can tell, Meyer's movies are mostly misogynistic, silly, and not that exciting [even though I like Faster Pussycat just okay]. Nevertheless, I watched Supervixens. What a bad decision! Lots of misogyny and violence, people. NOT COOL. Also, this movie was over 2 hours and extremely dumb. It's in the running for one of my top 5 least favorite movies.

0/5 pizzas

Three Kings (1999)

Disappointed! I had semi-high expectations for this movie since someone with high movie correlation to me recommended it. I didn't know all too much about this movie except the preview for it back in the day featured an actor singing "We three kings be stealin' the gold." Very catchy. Besides having the divine George Clooney [and the not-divine-but-impressive Marky Mark and Ice Cube] in it, Three Kings was a pretty lame movie. It's way over 2 hours - that's faux pas #1. Next, it pretty much glorifies American troops in the Gulf War -- f.p. #2. And most importantly, the story is not that exciting.

The film does, however, jumpstart the careers of some very important Arrested Development stars.

And surprise! Spike Jonze is billed as the #4 cast member. Weird.

2/5 pizzas

Love and Death (1975)

Besides Bananas, I am not much of a fan of the Slapstick Woody Allen movies. Yes, we can tell you like Russian novels. Yes, we can tell that you like Ingmar Bergman. Yes, we can also tell that you still hate women. There were just too many jokes about breasts and pedophilia in this. Oh well.

2/5 pizzas

The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005)

Okay, I moved to a new coast this week and this severely diminished my movie watching success. For example, I only watched 1 movie since Thursday. Meanwhile, my good pal is rapidly approaching 300 [I am on 267]. Besides spending a lot of time packing, shipping, unpacking, and flying, I also don't have the internet at home yet, so no blogging there. Moving to a city with 1000 coffee shops, however, allows for me to buy 1 cup of coffee and then 1. Blog and 2. Find a job. Only one of those has been successful. Did you know that Seattle is the Hollywood of coffee shops? Instead of submitting a head shot, I need to write cover letters. For coffee.

Anyway, I watched 40-year-old Virgin at the airport, and it was kind of embarrassing hearing the P and F words screeching from your computer into children's ears. Actually, that was funny. The movie, however, wasn't that great. It was very misogynistic and a bit gross. Look at this picture above.

I must agree with my pal, though, in saying there is one scene in the movie that shouldn't be funny but is.



They aren't cats and dogs in the movie, though.

2/5 pizzas

Earth Girls Are Easy (1988)

Alright, just look at this picture. Geena Davis looks adorable and dorky and maybe even sweet, so you think this movie is going to be all of those things. At best it's quirky, and at worst it patriarchal, boring, and excessively goofy. It had so much potential though: Geena Davis + My Boyfriend + Jim Carrey + Damon Wayans + 80s-tastic clothes and hair + aliens = probably a great story. Unfortunately, all of these choice ingredients did not make a good movie. Here is what happened. 1. Both the plot and characters are victims of The Patriarchy. Geena is looking for "Mr Right" and will do anything, including change her whole identity to win him. Even when her boyfriend is having an affair, she wants to please him and begs him not to leave her. Problems! Plus, most of the women in this movie are ogled by Jim Carrey and Damon Wayans. Gross 2. Most importantly, this movie is A MUSICAL! Why didn't anyone tell me?

1/5 pizzas

Dude, Where's My Car? (2000)

Alright, imagine my reaction to this scene in the movie -- maybe you've heard of it? Dude, Where's My Car? That reaction, which is of shock, horror, and disgust, represents how I feel about this whole movie. This photo is review enough.

As you may know, this movie is full of offensive things: The use of the homophobic F word, objectification in the worst ways [see above photo], the glorification of the Frat boy/stoner as hero, racist jokes concerning Asian Americans, and my personal favorite, the classification of an MTF transgender stripper as "gender challenged." Great Job, Jesse and Chester. Also, the plot was super silly, and I don't think I laughed once. Now, you may be thinking that I am being too harsh on this movie, and that I just don't like movies of this ilk. AU CONTRAIRE! May I remind you that Can't Hardly Wait and Austin Powers continue to be on my Top Whatever Lists. So there.

So why did I watch it? I got it for <$1 from my neighbor's garage sale. She won't let me return it either.

0 fucking pizzas