The Orphanage (2007)

Here is a movie that I have never heard of, and that I thought was directed by Guillermo Del Toro. Fact: It was not directed by him, but by a dude named Juan Antonio Bayona. I liked this movie just okay and didn't really think it was that sad, contrary to popular belief. The deal is that this movie is of the science fiction drama. A lady loses her son who maybe has imaginary friends. Weird supernatural things happen, and also HIV/AIDS is important to the plot. Oh yeah, the lady's house was an old orphanage, and it's probably haunted by the trauma of past orphans. I guess watch this movie if you want. The protagonist is a pretty awesome lady [Belen Rueda], and she's easy on the eyes [not to be patriarchal or anything].

3/5 pizzas

28 Days Later (2002)

Finally, I am watching some actual zombie movies! As part of our Halloween movie marathon, we watched this fine piece of British cinema. Even though Danny Boyle directed it, I really liked it. As you may imagine, I spend a fair amount of time thinking about the zombie apocalypse with my peers. The frequent consensus is that all of us would be too fat to run, and thus we would die or become zombies. I'm fine with that, because nothing is worth running to exhaustion, right? Plus, Carmel makes a good point that maybe it would be okay to be a zombie. 1. One would not know one was a zombie, and if one did, what would the big deal be? 2. Who wouldn't want to run around and eat all day? Eating is so fun.

4/5 pizzas

Les Diaboliques (1955)

This movie is a perfect followup to Psycho -- almost as perfect a double feature as It Takes Two and New York Minute. Les Diaboliques does to bathtubs what Psycho did to showers. That is, it makes you want to take one so you could interact with hot murderers. Don't even tell me you haven't had dreams about Anthony Perkins? Or Ms. Simone Signoret? The deal is these people are babes, so you should watch both these movies.

Anyway, Les Diaboliques is one of my favorite movies. Directed by Henri-Georges Clouzot, it stars two ladies [Clouzot's wife Vera Clouzot and the afore-mentioned Simone] who are plotting to kill a dude who has wronged them. Maybe they kill him, maybe they don't, maybe he haunts them, I don't want to ruin anything. Let me just tell you that this is pretty creepy and pleasantly suspenseful. Also, it's way French and way the inspiration for Hitch's 1960 masterpiece.

5/5 pizzas

Psycho (1960)

You guys ever heard of this movie? It's way famous. Actually, it's one of my favorite Hitchcocks, probably because I made a cameo in it [see above]. Obviously, you know this movie is the best. The Best! The reason why this particular Psycho viewing was extraordinary was because we saw it at the Symphony! With The Queeeeen! Well, she wasn't there, I guess. The orchestra did play the soundtrack and it was really swell. I guess Seattle does have something to offer that New York doesn't.

5/5 pizzas

Planet Terror (2007)

Isn't it time I saw these here Grindhouse movies? As I heard, Planet Terror is the way lessor of the two flicks, and a way lame zombie movie. Robert Rodriguez is still not my favorite, and this film still has a bunch of patriarchy that I can't really swallow. Like in the opening scene, or almost any other scene. Some parts were really slammin, though --- like how Rose McGowen has a machine gun for a leg! Or how Freddy Rodriguez is a superb twerp. Or how Bruce Fucking Willis is in this! One thing is for sure -- Zoe Bell is not a part of this.

2/5 pizzas

Guess Who's Back? and Antichrist (2009)

Geez, fellas, I'm sorry I've been away from the internet for over a month [not that you've noticed]. I guess I've been interacting with humans a lot [it's good for my social development?] along with watching a couple of awesome tv shows. Also, Friendsgiving happened, so that was a thing that took a lot of non-blogging time. Excuses, excuses. Here's the deal: I finally broke 400 movies.

Way back in October I saw a little movie called Antichrist. It's directed by a d-bag named Lars Von Trier. He's kind of a big misogynist, yet I still have the urge to watch his movies. Maybe we've all seen Antichrist at this point, and we've all read our friend's post about it, so I won't divulge too much. This movie is about the woods, doin it, misogyny, and the devil. Here is a picture of a place in Vancouver that pretty much looks like where the movie took place [outside of Seattle, P.S.].

2/5? pizzas

The Ox-Bow Incident (1943)

It took me 45 minutes to realize that I had already seen this movie about 10 years ago. I guess that's kind of indicative of the quality of the movie -- it's pretty dull. Think of this movie as Western-style 12 Angry Men: 3 dudes are accused of murder, and Peter Fonda defends their innocence, as the rest of the gang is pretty gung-ho about hanging them. I will say that the film's climax [whether these guys will live or die] is pretty emotional.

Oh yeah, and Anthony Quinn plays an ambiguously ethnic brown person in this.

2/5 pizzas

Uptown Saturday Night (1974)

Holy shit. Sidney Poitier directed this movie, and it stars him and Bill Cosby . . . as best friends! They make a pretty good team, and they are both lookin like babes [N.B. Bill Cosby has a beard]. Okay, here is the plot: Sidney is married to a lady and he has just started his vacation from a lame job. Cabdriver Bill suggests the pair go to a snazzy club called Zenobia's, but after they arrive they get robbed. OH NO! Sidney loses a winning lottery ticket that was in his wallet. In order to try to find the ticket, they have to pal it up with criminals, private eyes, and preachers.

As always, I am left weak in the knees from Cosby's charm and charisma. Did I mention he has a beard in this?

3/5 pizzas

The Descent (2005)

I finally watched this! Talk about excitement: an all-lady cast [except for that one glimpse of a dude], getting lost in caves, fighting Problems that exist down in the caves, and sometimes having British accents! The deal is these ladies are Adventurers and would rather explore unexplored caves than go shopping like normal women. Weird, right? Anyway, things go awry, maybe they get lost, and maybe they are being hunted by The Darkness. In any case, I've never seen a bunch of badasses like these laydees. And by the way, this was pretty scary.

4/5 pizzas

Nashville (1975)

Well, I guess I'm making my way through Mr. Altman's movies, as this is my 4th one viewed this year. After reeling from my disdain for Shortcuts and scratching my head in response to 3 Women, I was pretty surprised that I enjoyed one of Altman's longest movies. Actually, I was pretty fond of Nashville. The sweet sounds of country western tunes + Lily Tomlin + Jeff Goldblum on a tricycle + Elliott Gould playing himself + profound sadness? These are some pretty excellent ingredients for a great movie.

Okay, okay, I know Nashville's close to three hours long and I usually squirm after 90 minutes. Maybe bifurcating the movie to watch The Descent influenced my level of enjoyment a bit.

4/5 pizzas